Shenna on Kids (written at 2am btw)

When I think about myself having kids I have a lot of different thoughts. On one hand, I can almost see my happy family. A husband and 1 or 2 little boys running around driving me nuts. A house full of love, and a future so bright with my new family. This is the perfect vision, this is the vision that we all want to see. Yet there is another, one that I see more often than the one of my perfect family: tragedy.
I just saw Lovely Bones and it brought back all the bad thoughts of what could happen. When I think about a kid I think about a life. My child's life is one that I, and their father, are responsible for (for at least 18 years)…a life that will change my own life. Right now, I can barely take care of myself and make the best decisions. I get by, but that isn’t what I would want for a child. I think: What if I do something wrong? I mean all parents have made their mistakes and their kids turned out fine. But what if I am different? What if I ruin my kid, make that one decision that will mess he or she up forever?
Yes, those were a lot of “what if” statements, I know, it sounds a bit melodramatic, I probably won’t mess a child up for life. I mean I’m not that stupid.
That’s where Lovely Bones comes in. In the movie the parents were average parents, no perfects, but good. The cared for their children, loved them, but in the end things still took a turn for the worst. I can’t even imagine the pain a real family would feel.
No one to immediately blame; just misfortune, bad timing, bad luck maybe?
How do you live when you lose a life that you helped create? It’s so hard to wrap my head around the fact of that. I couldn’t do it. So I honestly don’t want to take that risk, as selfish as it may sound.
I don’t want to take the chance of hurting someone else if I can prevent it.
Double goes for myself

Topic: Insomnia

A friend and I had some long nights, so we decided to choose a topic to write about one night/morning to give us something to do. He wrote a poem and this is what I wrote on the topic of insomnia

3 am again and no sleep. I don’t know what is going on but a change is happening in me. A lack of sleep is affecting everything around me. I haven’t started hallucinating or anything...yet. It is like everything is different. When I wake from my good 3 hours of sleep, shower, get dressed and brush my teeth it seems more and more ran together every day. Like it is all one action, one not so fluid motion that starts this zombie’s day. The bags under my eyes aren’t as bad as they should be, but I notice that even new make-up looks worn, as if I just returned from the club at 9 am. The sleep deprivation has confused my body and mind. I wake up too late or too early, I eat breakfast for lunch or lunch for dinner. Sometimes I don’t eat at all, it slips my mind. The basic necessities of life aren’t being fulfilled and it makes me think: "How long will this go on?" I’m starting to feel that I barley exist anymore. People eat and sleep, I do neither. It’s like being some type of ghost, you are here but only a part remains. Recently my hardest task has been focus, I know what I need to do but getting it done becomes impossible. Even simple tasks, like making note cards or remembering to turn of the coffee maker, become a hassle. Things are just falling apart; my apartment is a disaster because I have no motivation to clean it. I have all the time in the world, I mean I never sleep. But instead of using this insomnia as an advantage, I waste all my time on useless things. I stay up, not really awake or asleep, drawing portraits of people from my past. Two of my best friend from middle school, one of my cousins who moved to Oklahoma, a collage of all the guys who broke my heart and the list just goes on. Why only people? Well, because that is all I can see in my mind at that time. I figured, even though I don’t sleep, I still have a “dream” state each night and these are the people who would be there. I know, it sounds crazy I don’t even understand myself most of the time anymore, but I have to believe something to make myself feel better. I don’t want to believe that I am going insane I don’t want to go anywhere near that. But I want to feel alive again; the emotion and life are being drained out of me with each night of sleep lost. When I’m here, I actually want to feel like I’m here completely. I refuse drugs and I won’t turn to alcohol because passing out isn’t real sleep. I will suffer until my rest comes, until then I will condense the things in my life until nothing is real anymore…