Shenna on Kids (written at 2am btw)

When I think about myself having kids I have a lot of different thoughts. On one hand, I can almost see my happy family. A husband and 1 or 2 little boys running around driving me nuts. A house full of love, and a future so bright with my new family. This is the perfect vision, this is the vision that we all want to see. Yet there is another, one that I see more often than the one of my perfect family: tragedy.
I just saw Lovely Bones and it brought back all the bad thoughts of what could happen. When I think about a kid I think about a life. My child's life is one that I, and their father, are responsible for (for at least 18 years)…a life that will change my own life. Right now, I can barely take care of myself and make the best decisions. I get by, but that isn’t what I would want for a child. I think: What if I do something wrong? I mean all parents have made their mistakes and their kids turned out fine. But what if I am different? What if I ruin my kid, make that one decision that will mess he or she up forever?
Yes, those were a lot of “what if” statements, I know, it sounds a bit melodramatic, I probably won’t mess a child up for life. I mean I’m not that stupid.
That’s where Lovely Bones comes in. In the movie the parents were average parents, no perfects, but good. The cared for their children, loved them, but in the end things still took a turn for the worst. I can’t even imagine the pain a real family would feel.
No one to immediately blame; just misfortune, bad timing, bad luck maybe?
How do you live when you lose a life that you helped create? It’s so hard to wrap my head around the fact of that. I couldn’t do it. So I honestly don’t want to take that risk, as selfish as it may sound.
I don’t want to take the chance of hurting someone else if I can prevent it.
Double goes for myself

Topic: Insomnia

A friend and I had some long nights, so we decided to choose a topic to write about one night/morning to give us something to do. He wrote a poem and this is what I wrote on the topic of insomnia

3 am again and no sleep. I don’t know what is going on but a change is happening in me. A lack of sleep is affecting everything around me. I haven’t started hallucinating or anything...yet. It is like everything is different. When I wake from my good 3 hours of sleep, shower, get dressed and brush my teeth it seems more and more ran together every day. Like it is all one action, one not so fluid motion that starts this zombie’s day. The bags under my eyes aren’t as bad as they should be, but I notice that even new make-up looks worn, as if I just returned from the club at 9 am. The sleep deprivation has confused my body and mind. I wake up too late or too early, I eat breakfast for lunch or lunch for dinner. Sometimes I don’t eat at all, it slips my mind. The basic necessities of life aren’t being fulfilled and it makes me think: "How long will this go on?" I’m starting to feel that I barley exist anymore. People eat and sleep, I do neither. It’s like being some type of ghost, you are here but only a part remains. Recently my hardest task has been focus, I know what I need to do but getting it done becomes impossible. Even simple tasks, like making note cards or remembering to turn of the coffee maker, become a hassle. Things are just falling apart; my apartment is a disaster because I have no motivation to clean it. I have all the time in the world, I mean I never sleep. But instead of using this insomnia as an advantage, I waste all my time on useless things. I stay up, not really awake or asleep, drawing portraits of people from my past. Two of my best friend from middle school, one of my cousins who moved to Oklahoma, a collage of all the guys who broke my heart and the list just goes on. Why only people? Well, because that is all I can see in my mind at that time. I figured, even though I don’t sleep, I still have a “dream” state each night and these are the people who would be there. I know, it sounds crazy I don’t even understand myself most of the time anymore, but I have to believe something to make myself feel better. I don’t want to believe that I am going insane I don’t want to go anywhere near that. But I want to feel alive again; the emotion and life are being drained out of me with each night of sleep lost. When I’m here, I actually want to feel like I’m here completely. I refuse drugs and I won’t turn to alcohol because passing out isn’t real sleep. I will suffer until my rest comes, until then I will condense the things in my life until nothing is real anymore…

Things

Ah things have been happening so fast lately! It’s like my life is on a cocaine binge.

Been trying to make time for everything but it’s getting hard.

Plus I got a new ride (LOVE IT) and money is funny but I can’t sit still.

SMH I can smell the (potential) bad times a-coming.

*Dear God, Let the New Year come soon because the AF will be hooking me up. Amen

20

This is something I wrote one day when my family was here and I was (as usual) hiding out in my room for the most part. Nothing amazing, just something to read. I calls it 20

I look around my room and it looks like one of a 20 year old. I mean I am 20 so it’s not surprising. A dresser with make-up and body sprays to choose from. I sit on my beat up chair, feet on my bed, reading Tokyo Cancelled by Rana Dasgupta and listening to Boys like Girls. My bed is messy, my air force CDC book and note cards scattered all over. TV with lots of DVDs from Little Mermaid to Chappell show (seasons 1 and 2). Jackets piled on my other chair in front of the desk I should be using to do my homework. Loads of magazines and clippings of music artists and fashion models on the closet door and wall. A picture of my best friend who is in Florida, now next to my lap top where my Twitter page is opened. It looks like the room of someone who could actually do something. Books piled on the nightstand and writing ideas on my desktop. But yet I feel like I am going nowhere most o the time. Like I am in the “waiting place”, if I can quote the late Dr. Seuss. I feel the potential inside of me; I just have to apply it. But with that comes focus, which I have been lacking recently. It’s getting better, I study more and BS less. A slow climb to the top, but a climb none the less. Anyway, back to my book…

Sorry =[

I FEEL BAD! Because I haven’t posted anything in so long, it’s not because I haven’t been writing. I have been working on a lot of stuff (I will post some) but just been too lazy to actually put it on the blog. For that, I say sorry to anyone who actually reads it =].

<3>

Ink

I want to get inked again, my first two tats were spear of the moment (like this blog post) or an act of rebellion. The next will mean something special. What is it, you ask? A patch, on my shoulder. Why? Oh, thanks for asking. The story behind it is this:

Tell me your problems, no judgment will come your way

Tell me and explain how you feel

If you want my input, I will give it

If not you can talk yourself to a solution

I offer myself to friends and strangers alike

I hate to see anyone going through anything alone

You are sad?

You need to cry?

Take this, it’s my shoulders

Take a moment and let it all go

I apologize if it’s a bit worn

I have offered it to many and many have accepted that offer

Tears from teens and adults

Tears physical or hypothetical

Tears through the phone at 1 am

Tears through my tee shirt causing make-up to smear

Never be alone in your problems

Never try to deal with everything on your own

I am here

I always have a worn out shoulder for you to cry on

She is...90210

“She will do anything for everything.” 90210 by Wale

Sooooo Wale’s new album just came out. I will be honest and say that I haven’t listened to a lot of his music, but most of what I have heard was enjoyable. Today was the release of his album and a lot of down talking was going on about it, so I decided to go ahead and judge for myself. I went to I-tunes and listen to a clip. I didn’t know which song to pick (16 tracks btw) so I just clicked on number 7.

“And she throws up whatever she eats, she leave the bathroom with a nose bleed. Regular girl/celebrity dreams she is…90210.”

The song is all about sex, the “look”, money, fame, drugs, and dreams.

Again, I’m going to sound stupid, but I almost cried while listening to this song. Sadly, it gave me a very scary glimpse into a part of my own life. I have never been the most honest about what goes on with me. I deal with the problems of my friends and family (I’m dealing with one as I write this) and just kind of leave mine to solve themselves. I still won’t be specific about my issues (I don’t feel like being judged) but I want to be clear that I was going about things ALL wrong. I am a strong believer that for any achievement to mean anything you have to go through some pain and sacrifice. Yet you have to have limits, without them you don’t know where you will end up. Chasing your dreams is one of the most important things, but what are you willing to do to catch them? Hurt your body? Hurt your mind? Lose yourself? Who you are is important, but who you want to become is probably more important. Be sure, and be careful. Things can turn so bad so fast, simple phrases like “I’m not scared, let me try”, “Just one more drink” or “I’ll just do it once” are the worst. That one time can become the first of many. And if (and I do mean if) you make it back from whatever crazy trouble or addiction you’ve acquired know this: you will never be the same.

Change is good. But when you find yourself looking out a window at a scary thin/red eyed/dirty/almost scary looking person who keeps mimicking your every move and then you realize… that window is a mirror…and that person is you…you’ve gone too far.

Find help, because if you don’t know you who else will? (God always will, but your friends and family might see a stranger)