Shenna on Kids (written at 2am btw)

When I think about myself having kids I have a lot of different thoughts. On one hand, I can almost see my happy family. A husband and 1 or 2 little boys running around driving me nuts. A house full of love, and a future so bright with my new family. This is the perfect vision, this is the vision that we all want to see. Yet there is another, one that I see more often than the one of my perfect family: tragedy.
I just saw Lovely Bones and it brought back all the bad thoughts of what could happen. When I think about a kid I think about a life. My child's life is one that I, and their father, are responsible for (for at least 18 years)…a life that will change my own life. Right now, I can barely take care of myself and make the best decisions. I get by, but that isn’t what I would want for a child. I think: What if I do something wrong? I mean all parents have made their mistakes and their kids turned out fine. But what if I am different? What if I ruin my kid, make that one decision that will mess he or she up forever?
Yes, those were a lot of “what if” statements, I know, it sounds a bit melodramatic, I probably won’t mess a child up for life. I mean I’m not that stupid.
That’s where Lovely Bones comes in. In the movie the parents were average parents, no perfects, but good. The cared for their children, loved them, but in the end things still took a turn for the worst. I can’t even imagine the pain a real family would feel.
No one to immediately blame; just misfortune, bad timing, bad luck maybe?
How do you live when you lose a life that you helped create? It’s so hard to wrap my head around the fact of that. I couldn’t do it. So I honestly don’t want to take that risk, as selfish as it may sound.
I don’t want to take the chance of hurting someone else if I can prevent it.
Double goes for myself